Death Feels Lonely

As of late, death has felt very lonely. When mom died, I felt lost in many ways. Losing her was the big loss in a series of other also big, but slightly smaller losses--losses that made me question my identity in all of its former roles. I was working minimal hours and had no career. I lost my identity within my family. I felt like I wasn't a daughter anymore. Less than a year before my mom died, my maternal grandmother died, and I felt like I'd lost a piece of my essence as a granddaughter.

More recently, I have felt that I've lost my entire family. I love my dad...but our relationship is not as it was before. Our relationship over the last several years was triangulated by my mom's illness and impending death. Shortly after she was gone, I began to long for my dad...who was no longer present as he was before. I felt very unwelcome in his home over Christmas. I almost feel as though he is afraid of me, evidenced by the fact that he rarely tells me about major events (selling his house, buying a new house) until long after these events have occurred. I generally have to figure things out for myself and then ask my dad about what I think has changed. I'm typically right about what has changed. When I ask my dad why he didn't tell me about things earlier, he always says that he was afraid that I would be angry.

I feel selfish wanting my old dad back. I guess it is less of wanting my old dad back, and more that I want to feel like I belong in my own family. I feel like even my extended family is becoming more distant. I worry that I remind them of my mom, and that this is why they don't want to stay in touch with me as much.

I've asked my dad for what I think I want from him. Now--I don't even know. Maybe I don't want anything from him except that he stop trying so hard to mend this broken connection between us. In a sense, I already feel like a visitor in my own family that the attempts to make things any different only make me feel worse. And I wonder, as the days creep not only closer to the New Year, but at the same time closer to February--will things always be...or at least feel this way?