I have had two weeks off from work, and although the respite has been much needed, it has left me with a deep sense of loss and lonliness that I haven't felt in quite some time. I know that the holidays can be difficult. I think that the fact that last year the holidays were really the gateway into the downward spiral in mom's health makes things more complicated. Every day, I'm starting to wonder what we were doing last year at this time. When I can't remember, I get frustrated with myself.
It's been too long since I've had a full-time job, too. I love working at the Pittsburgh Project, but I long to be a social worker again. I just wish that it were that simple.
Lately, every day...multiple times each day I think that I should call mom--like I have forgotten that she is dead. I know that the stages of grief can be really out of order, but denial...now? It just seems very unusual.
Today I wished that things were less complicated, but I'm not sure that they ever will be. I think that for a certain subset of people, life is just one complication after another. Perhaps what it really is...is just stepping over the obsticles we can...and getting through the other ones by climbing, digging or just pushing our way through.
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